It has been one week since my Mother passed. I am still grieving, I am still sad and miss her so much that my heart hurts. Each day is better than the one before. Sometimes I have a few hours where I didn't think of her at all, then I will see a banana(she ate them constantly) or see a tv show she loved, or just look towards her favorite chair and it overwhelms me all over again.
Thanks to everyone who sent beautiful cards with such nice words in them. They really help.
People keep asking what happened, so I will try to give more information.
My mom suffered from heatstroke Memorial Day weekend and was in a coma for four days. The doctors told us to prepare ourselves for death, as my mom was older and suffering from stage 4 lung cancer. My mother woke up and as you know from all my postings here, aside from some speach issues, she had a terrific month at our house. She kept telling us that she "wasn't done".
I guess now looking back, she knew she was on borrowed time. She ate whatever she wanted. She talked to each and every friend as though it was the last time. She never failed to tell someone she loved them and that they were very special to her. I was the one who wasn't seeing the signs.
On Friday the 4th of July mom woke up and asked for me to call Linda, a great friend of hers that she hadn't seen in a very long time. Linda came to visit that afternoon and spent about an hour with mom. When Linda left, my mom was very tired and wanted to rest in her chair.
During the rest of that day she was not her usual self but I just thought it was one of the down days you experience with cancer. That evening she asked for pizza and salad from her favorite shop and I told her that we should wait until the next night due to the heavy traffic on the street wher we get the salad due to the holiday fireworks down there. She was ok with that and asked me to get Subway sandwiches. I left and got the dinner and when I returned she was still looking very weak and tired.
We ate dinner on the lanai as we did every night and she was very quiet(which she never was). After dinner, I though about taking Lauren to see the fireworks as she really wanted to go. My mom asked to use the bathroom and was too tired to clean herself. Rob held her as I cleaned her and I could see that she was struggling for breath. We sat her down and I called the Hospice nurse to see what I should do.
After trying several different things, the nurse decided to come see her. Upon checking her out the nurse told mom that she thought she should come to the Hospice house, my mom said "You think I need to go?" and the nurse answered "yes" and mom said, "then let's go". I never guessed until after that my mom had just gotten the news that she was dying soon. But she knew and she was ok.
Ben and I followed her to the Hospice house (about 20 minutes away) and filled out paperwork and got her settled into her room. I kissed her good night and told her we would come see her in the morning. By this time Hospice had hooked her up to some pain meds and she was relaxing with some anti-anxiety meds.
The next morning I called to see how her night was and they said she did get rest overnight. A few minutes later I got a call that she was starting to have a hard time again and I should head over ASAP.
When I got there, she looked about the same as the night before and I couldn't imagine struggling for each and every breath. During this hour that I sat with her alone, I got to hold her and tell her just how much I loved her and she made sure to tell me too. It was a very special time that I am grateful for. At the end of the talk, she said she wanted medicine to go to sleep. I told her that if she went to sleep that I would not see her again and she said that was fine and that she would be ok. She said she would be waiting in Heaven for each of us.
As she began to weaken, my brother arrived and got to sit alone with her for a while and say everything he needed to say. He asked her if she was in pain and she said "yes". He told her to rest. This is when the Hospice people let us know that she would be dying soon. Her heart was beginning to slow down. We were there when her last rights were given and they were beautiful. We all held her and told her it was ok to go, that she had done a great job with us and we would be ok.
Lauren and Rob arrived and got to hold her and tell her the things they needed to say. I dropped Lauren off at her friends house and when I got back, they said she had little time left.
I crawled into bed with her and held and just kept talking to her. There was a beautiful rainbow outside going "up" only and two red cardinals playing outside her room (she loved cardinals).
She passed with Jim and his girlfriend Sara, Ben, Rob and myself all holding her.
If there is such a thing as a beautiful death, she had it. We felt such sadness and such relief that her struggle with cancer was over...all at the same time. The hospice people took a few minutes to clean her up and we each got to go in and hug her one last time. It really was a remarkable moment in my life.
She had asked for no service, she wanted to be cremated and her remains spread in The Gulf here in Florida and on the coast in Maine. She loved the beaches. I picked up her ashes yesterday. I was sad, but not as much as I had expected. The box is sitting in her favorite chair and we will be taking her on a boat trip soon. My sister Tracey will be spreading the other half in Maine.
One funny note:
When we were all waiting in the lobby of the Hospice while they preparred her body for viewing, a man came in delivering a pizza and his tee shirt read "Heavenly Pizza" on it. Rob laughed and said, "see, she got her pizza to go!". We couldn't have laughed any harder. I am sure the nurses thought we were nuts. So typical of my Mom!
Smiles once again, Lynne
